Dealing with Anger

Everybody gets angry once in a while. But what if your anger reaches such proportions that everytime you erupt you hurt the ones close to you?

I am not sure why we get angry, really. Is it because we cling to certain expectations? And can we get angry and not lash out at others? I think the latter is a very necessary skill, especially when you live with another person, be it family, a room-mate or even a pet.

Frequent outbursts of anger will continually erode relationships, and fear and resentment take the place of love. The house stops being a home. It goes back to being just that - a house. There is no more closeness. Your own family fears speaking out or reaching out to you, because they are afraid you will say something that will be hurtful. So, what can one do?

First off, if you use abusive words, or worse still, if you have inflicted physical harm on your near and dear ones, please get help. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem. It is a shame only if you choose to do nothing about it.

Here is my disclaimer again: I'm not a doctor. This article should not be used in place of professional advice. These are only my own observations, reflections and suggestions.

I'm sure most of us have been on both sides of the shouting match. But can we get by without all the swearing and yelling that comes with anger? This is what I think:

• Nobody "deserves" it. It doesn't matter if it was really Johnny's fault. There is always a peaceful way to communicate with people. Mistakes happen. That doesn't mean that they therefore, deserve to be hurt. Usually, the person at fault is already feeling miserable as it is, and is probably racked with guilt.
• Anger won't solve a thing. In fact, it may only make things worse, what with all the screaming and shouting and (ugh!) abusing. So ask yourself, if you are getting accomplished by getting all riled up.
• Walk away. Even though it could be construed as rude, it is still better than shouting out something that you cannot take back later when you are feeling better.
• Designate an anger-space. When you are furious and don't trust yourself to speak, go to the bathroom, bedroom, or backyard, or just go out for a walk. Someplace where no one you are familiar with is present. Then feel free to roll out all the expletives that you had in mind. Get it out of your system. Spend as much time as you want in there, till you feel you can be civil again.
• Don't bottle it up. When something or someone is bugging you so badly you want to scream, think about what you want to say, so that you censor all the harsh stuff. Then say it, to the offender in question. Don't keep it to yourself. It may feel awkward for a while, but you will be glad you were brave enough to confront the person who irritated you so!
• Get some fresh air. Sometimes a brisk walk outdoors will suddenly change your perspective. The offending problem may not seem so big, after all.
• Talk about it with someone you trust, like a close friend. Just talking about it to a neutral third-party can help you calm down. They can also offer possible explanations of why the irksome incident happened, and suggestions of how to deal with it.
• Maintain an anger journal. Designate a notebook or a diary to become your punch-bag. Write out all the horrible thoughts that come into your head. You can be as mean as you want to! After you calm down, look at it again. I guarantee you will want to tear out those pages and trash them. It will also reinforce your desire to never again hurt people through words.
• Get busy. Wash the dishes, vaccuum, read, do anything that is not related to the "hot" topic at hand. Initially you may be tempted to bang the plates, but slowly you will mellow down, and get distracted with the task.
• Imagine the consequences. Most unpleasant incidents do not have very bad consequences. It's just the temporary inconvenience that annoys us. Okay, so the vase is broken. Then what happens? Nothing! Once you clean up the mess, you're all fine and dandy again.
• Find the solution to the problem, and you may realize things aren't so bad, after all!
• Pin-point the trigger. Analyze your anger-history. Do you see a pattern? Do the same things annoy you everyday? Then remove the trigger, and you've added more peace to your life! For instance, maybe your cluttered desk is driving you crazy. You may not realize it, but working at that table everyday leaves you in a frustrated frenzy, and the moment something goes wrong, your reaction is off the charts. De-clutter it, and voila! - you're Buddha incarnate.
• Relax. Listen to calming music, meditate, do some yoga (or enroll in a class), breathe; do whatever you know takes you to that state of nirvana. (No, don't do drugs or alcohol).
• Accept that some things won't change. Your boss is your boss. Unless you change jobs or get a promotion, he will be your boss. Your partner will never talk like your favorite romance-novel hero. The weather will be unpleasant for a while. The stain on your dress will not go. Kiddo broke your favorite vase. Your weasely assistant manipulated his way to now become your boss. Deal with it. Take the time to really accept it, make peace with it, and move on.

All in all, I don't think that anger by itself is an unhealthy emotion. It shows us that we find certain things unpleasant. Which means we get to learn a little more about ourselves: what we take pride in, what our tolerance level is, what we like and love, what we hate... We can manipulate it to steer us in the right direction, to push us to achieve our goals and desires. Anger, like all other emotions, is good, as long as we don't lose ourselves in it.

Dealing with Depression

Depression can sneak up on you for any (or no) reason: from a simple bemoaning of a failed school test, reaction to adverse weather, peer pressure, weight gain, prolonged illness and so on, to the more complicated feelings of vulnerability after a failed relationship, constant self-recrimination and self-doubt, grief over the passing of a loved one, hormonal responses of the body after a major change such as surgery, post-partum depression (or the smaller version: baby-blues), or a sinking feeling of shouldering an overwhelming responsibility. These are just a few examples, but they can cause an otherwise completely sensible person to behave in a listless, indifferent, or careless manner. Sometimes the feeling of hopelessness is so severe that one might even consider giving up on life. The constant state of inaction caused by depression can also hurt dependent family members. So what is one to do?

I am not a doctor; This article must not be used in place of professional advice. What I am about to say is just my opinion and suggestions, based on my own experiences and observations.

I have Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism. I sometimes forget to get refills for my medication on time, and as a consequence miss taking it for a day or two. I am not completely sure if this is the reason, but on those days I feel really low and despondent. As soon as I resume my medication I start feeling fine again. And then, there were the baby-blues right after the birth of my first beautiful baby girl. I was most certainly not prepared for those roller-coaster emotions that would constantly hurl me down the depths of despair. I was constantly in tears. It only lasted for a few days, and was made bearable by my wonderfully supportive husband. And then, of course, there have been the usual ups-and-downs in my life, just like everyone else. I have now come up with these options to help myself during any "off" days that I might have:

• Take a deep breath, and become aware. It feels much better when you realize that your emotions are just those - emotions. It's okay to still keep crying. After all, emotions can't suddenly be turned off, just because you know why you are sad.
• Go out for a walk. It's amazing what a simple walk outdoors can do for you. The fresh air, the people and children, the animals, trees, all combine to rejuvenate you.
• Go window shopping. Leave your wallet at home (or just take some cash), so you don't beat yourself up the next day for overspending. This can be at the mall, or a huge department store like Kohl's, a specialty store, or even a grocery store. I find that just going to the store lifts my spirits. Again, it is the people, the sounds, smells, and of course all those interesting products that infuse a certain positive energy in me.
• Step out for coffee. Alone, or with a friend. Caffeine will give you a temporary high, and the outdoors, again, will feel good.
• Tea-time! Settle down on the sofa with a hot cup of black tea. The caffeine in tea is much milder than coffee, and you will still feel pretty good.
• Include something sweet in your breakfast, like frosted mini-wheats, or jam with your toast, or sugar in your coffee or tea. I know, I know, I'm listing artificial solutions here, that will add to your calories and go straight to your hips etc. But I have found that this works for me, and I simply forgo sweet stuff the rest of the day. It's just that initial sugar rush, combined with tea, in the morning, that gets me going for the rest of the day.
• Meet a friend. Or better yet, a family member. You need not even confide in anyone. Their mere presence will lift up your spirits. Sometimes your family/friend will show you a whole other perspective of seeing what you thought was a gloomy thing. Even if you get irritated, it will still distract you from your own depression. You might even get some energy when you get all up in someone's face.
• Do a long-pending chore in the house. If you don't feel like it, go through the steps in your mind mentally, and you will find that the chore is not all that insurmountable. Even a simple thing like doing the laundry will egg you on to do more things, and will give a much-needed boost to your self-esteem.
• Cook. Make something you love eating. If you are alone at that time, make something that you have not made for a very long time just because the others in your family don't like that dish. Maybe you like extra spicy food (like me!) or you have a sweet tooth, or you adore extra garlic... you get the drift. Or just prepare dinner. Anything, really. The aroma of food on the stove or crockpot will get you back to your happy and humming-a-tune self.
• Volunteer to help someone, or take care of someone. Helping others does a lot of good for the soul. In addition, you will feel appreciated and respected.
• Play with your children. Indoors or in the park. Forget all the pending chores and worries that are gnawing at you. Slip on your jacket and just go. (Yes, it takes time to get them all dressed and out the door. It is still worth it.) You are making memories with your children, which is just as important.
• Do something new. Really, anything. Cook a new dish. Go ice-skating. Sign up to learn a new language or skill. Start a blog! How does bungee-jumping sound?
• Take a nice hot shower (or a cool one in summer). If you have a clingy toddler, plonk her in her crib (after checking if she is otherwise okay) and escape to the bathroom. A shower will make you feel like a new person.
• Put on make-up. (Men, wear a snazzy shirt, or something equivalent).
• Do your hair. Looking good makes you feel good inside too.
• Wear your favorite perfume.
• Read your favorite book/magazine/website.
• Get on the internet and find a feel-good website (like this one!). Even if you don't follow the suggestions listed here or anywhere else, you will still feel more relaxed, as you find your feelings validated.
• Find a passion. Immerse yourself completely in a project that you love doing all the time. For example, start blogging about your favorite topic, write a book, anything. It has to be something that gets you really excited, so that you can't stop thinking about it from the time you wake up, till the time you fall asleep. When your negative thoughts are replaced by an exciting new project, you won't even realize how time flies.
• Create something. If you are an artist, draw or paint. Writers, write! Create a new dish and give it your name.
• Start a small do-able project not related to housework. Like printing a photo and putting it into a frame. Or make a silly toy for your kids. Write a small software program to help with some task that you do on your PC. Start your own website. I'm sure you can think of something fun.
• Join a gym. Exercise is a definite stress-buster, depression-killer, endorphin-pumping magical cure.
• Put on some fast-paced music. Note: No sad songs, please. Only happy, exciting, makes-you-jump-up-and-dance-to-its-fast-beats music. Always works for me.
• Try to make your house a haven. Your own personal domain. Your own cozy den. Your nirvana. Or whatever you want to make it, in order to thrive. If it sounds like too much, then just create a sanctuary for yourself within a small space in your home. Toss all the junk into some storage space in the garage or the "don't-open-that closet-when-entertaining" closet.
• Learn yoga.
• Meditate.
• Eat a healthy diet. Include salads, fruit, protein and healthy carbs in your meals. And don't forget your vitamins!
• Join a course that teaches spirituality. You can bounce off your ideas, fears, thoughts and doubts with others in your class, and get some guidance from the teacher.
• Go to the spa. Or at least, get a manicure. Or give yourself a manicure. Ask your partner for a massage. Sometimes a little pampering goes a long way.
• Leave the kids with your partner for a few hours, and go to your favorite haunt - the library, park, swimming pool, coffee-place. Wherever you want.
• Change jobs. Maybe it's your job that's sucking the life out of you? Maybe you need to consider even a whole career change. Ask yourself if what you are doing is truly making you happy.
• Introspect. Do you have habits that are self-defeating? Talk to yourself in a gentle manner, as you would with a close friend. Replace the ugly habit with a new good one, and see if it makes a difference.

If your depression is too debilitating, then please get help.

• Talk to your partner, or anyone else you feel will understand.
• Talk to your doctor.
• Seek counselling.

We all have certain set expectations of life; when they are not met, we feel cheated, deprived, or undeserving. To an extent, I feel a lot of our negativity comes from taking ourselves too seriously. Things really don't have to go by a certain plan. Enjoy the surprises, accept your weaknesses, make peace with your past, and forgive yourself.

Embrace all the good things you do have going for you. Feel lucky for having them. Embrace your life. Now.